I am struggling right now. Trying to make an impact but feeling that I am up against a wall. I once felt like I had a direction, a plan or at the very least a rhythym. That is not the case right now. Everything is in MAJOR flux. Many of the Big Rocks seem to have been obliterated and now I feel like I am sinking in the sand that is left. this is attempt to work through my heart and mind.
Over the last few years many of the constants in my life have left. 2015 saw the loss of both of the grandmothers. They were both very different but for me they were a connection to my youth. A reminder of the path that I have walked. They were also a safe place where I could retreat. As a pastor (former) I know the loss bring great change. To experience their loss within weeks of each other was devastating. Knowing that they were secure in Christ gave me the peace I needed to speak at their funerals.
As I was working through this loss I was reminded about my father's failing health. He had been sick for some time but you wouldn't have known it by talking to him. While he had gotten slower he was still himself. All of a sudden, similar to his mother, I could tell that things were changing. Even with this realization losing him in May of 2016 was still a shock. To go from laughing and joking the day before to seeing him in the hospital broke me. When someone asks I can only say, there are good days and bad days. Luckily for me, I guess, very few people even ask. I am comforted that my Dad went in a way consistent with his life. He did not linger and went to meet his Father in Heaven leaving his girl's last memory of him as smiling.
Miss you Dad. I am not the man you were and I was not ready for you to go.
As a result of this loss the extended family has responded in differnt ways. On one side the family seems to be pulling towards each other and on the other side it seems to be sliding apart. As much as I want to try and hold things together my priority is taking care of my mother. She has been so strong, not just through these losses but also in her marriage. Sure I might be bias because she is AMAZING but she has dealt with things that I don't think I would handle well. She has been a help and support to everyone who has come through her door regardless of how they treated her.
While the losses mentioned above were hard the loss that I see happening is hitting me off guard more and more each day. I now have a teenager in my house. My shadow, my parter, my road dogg hit 13 last year and we are trying to navigate that together. Dad, who used to be without fault, seems to be the opposite now. I have had to modify my approach now because jokes aren't jokes anymore. Image is everything, I suppose. This is hard for me because I have tried to cultivate an open relationship with my girls. While I might question her actions I am not overly critical. I can see her pulling away and that makes me sad because I want to be there for her. However, as with most teens including myself, my thoughts are greater than my parents. I have the benefit of knowing that, just like I learned later in life, my parents were right. I hope that I thanked them enough.
I think that is enough for now. In the next post I will look at changes in the next big rock Church.
Apologies for these being very me centric but I've got to work this through. I was listening to this as I was writing.